Dreading Church Sucks

Shortly after cancer, chemo, and starting a small business I deveolped anxiety, in addition to the depression I have battle off and on my whole life. Not the, “I am worried about things that the Bible tells me not to be worried about type of anxiety,”  rather it is an all consuming mind/body reaction to things that are not there.

For instance, I will wake up with a start, heart pounding, mind racing, sweating, adrenaline coursing through my body – but nothing is wrong – except with my body of course. We’ve managed to get these night terrors, or whatever they are, under control with medication.  But the depression and anxiety are still there.  Over the past 3 years, I have found myself withdrawing from the people I love – friends and family.

I rarely go out with anyone – except my wife and kids.

I’ve stopped taking personal calls for fear of being asked to go out and do something.

I cannot handle large groups of people.

Sunday mornings are the worst.

I dread them.

I used to love Sundays, it was my favourite day, now they are the hardest day for me. I struggle with going to worship, because of the social aspect. Large groups of people are overwhelming, and going to church simply increases my anxiety. We believe we know the cause and are working on some things to help, but we are nto there yet.

As I type this, the clock indicates that it 9:15am on Sunday morning.  I am drinking a coffee and sitting in my t shirt and shorts. The worship service is in 45 minutes – good thing we live 30 seconds from the church building. My wife is running around getting ready, and the thought of going simply brings dread into my heart. That makes me sad. I dont want to talk to people, and that is not me.  I suppose I should go and get dressed. If it were not for my family, I doubt I’d go at all.

Its crazy to consider. I’ve gone from a desire to be a pastor, to dreading Sunday mornings and attending the worship services.

If you read this, please pray for us.

Jesus is good.  I know that full well.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world.  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.  To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.