2 Years of Cancer, Depression and A New Road.
I am coming up on the two year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. I wish I could say that I am cured, but I can’t. I am technically declared to have “no clinical evidence of cancer” but I still have a residual growth. And that burns on that back burner all day and night.
“What if the cancer is not gone??”
“What if it spreads to your brain?”
“What if…”
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self[ is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:17
Trigger warning….I am in a dark place right now. I am doing my best to deal with it in a healthy way, through Word and Prayer, and exercise, but the next few paragraphs are going to be a bit of downer. I apologize. Writing is an outlet for me and it really helps to just get it off my chest. If I was you, I would just read the bold parts and ignore the regular font. The stuff in bold is the only important stuff anyway.
I wish I could say that I am happy.
Depression and anxiety are my constant companions.
I do my best to ignore them, but they are there pestering me, like two kittens who are trying to get the tuna on my salad while I send out invoices…no matter how much I try to get them to leave they just keep coming back. They keep me awake all night with questions, pestering me with stupid doubts and fears.
“What if the lift doesn’t reach that area…”
“What if the cancer comes back?”
“What if you fail?”
“What if they don’t pay?”
” What if there is no work for next week?”
“What if the truck breaks down?”
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7
I know I am to cast my anxiety, all my “what ifs”, on the Lord, for he cares for me…but I can’t. I just can’t… I need Christ to bind up my broken mind and spirit, for I am inherently and intrinsically weak, yet I wont really admit it. Do you do that? Say you are weak? Cuz I keep trying to carry these things that are too heavy for me. Like a child who is certain she can pour the milk from the jug, yet keeps spilling it all over herself, making a disastrous mess in the process and refusing to ask her dad for help.
I wish I could say that life is good. Ok. I can say it is good, looking at it objectively… But it certainly does not feel like it.
Looking at the past 2 years, I can definitely say that life is not what I had planned.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
I wasn’t supposed to get cancer. I certainly wasn’t supposed to to be a business owner, climbing on roofs and spraying bleach and soap and water and degreasers and acids and all sorts of other fun liquids at houses, parking lots, dumpster pads and roofs… I was not supposed to be trained in the ways of roof cleaning and the restoration of various surfaces. I was supposed to be One Christian Dad, the blogger guy (blogging – which I don’t even have time for anymore). I was supposed to be done my under grad degree and making plans to head to seminary. I was supposed to be able to read Greek and Hebrew and …Nope. The road I had planned to travel is blocked. I must travel a new road.
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9
So I bust my rump as a small business owner. And its all consuming. I struggle with finding a line between trusting the Lord will provide, and working so much that my family forgets who I am.
I am learning first hand why so many businesses fail. And failure is at the heart of my fears. What if this all comes crashing down and I’ve just been wasting time? What if this isn’t what the Lord wants me to be doing? What if I am supposed to finish my degree and be a teacher, or go to seminary, or…. More weighty questions I need to let go of.
Anyway…
How anyone can start a business in this day and age is beyond me, unless they have a wealthy benefactor. Business experts say that most start ups lose money in their first 3-5 years. Without going into details, gratefully, I didn’t lose money my first year, we actually “pocketed” 4.8% of the money we invoiced for last year.
The righteous eat to their hearts’ content, but the stomach of the wicked goes hungry. Proverbs 13:25
Thanks to the Lord for family and the Church community, who let me make my mistakes on their homes ( for which I am eternally grateful!) But…4.8%…Think about that. If I worked for you and you paid me $1000…after all the expenses, I only saw about $48 of that. That was not quite what I had in mind when I started the business! Between the actual work, the following leads, the driving, the quotes and all the maintenance on equipment, marketing, payroll, purchasing, invoicing, and so on…I made less than $2/hr. I am this close (holding my finger and thumb about a half cm apart) to just giving up, shutting it down and crawling under a rock.
I won’t. I actually do love what I do, despite the stress.
The past week I have not slept well, due to work struggles and thoughts of cancer, and the aches and pains of life. My mood is always dark after a few sleepless nights. Then late this evening I received a negative review without any explanation from a client. And now my mind is racing. What? Why? What could I have done better? I need to call this person and make things right….but its 10pm on a Saturday. I probably wont sleep tonight yet again.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
So as I sit here and read over my whining, self absorbed, first world problem rant, I can’t help but notice that the Lord has really blessed me. But he is dipping me in the fire. I guess one positive thing that I can take away from this, is that now I can relate to a lot of different people and their troubles. From the abused, to the cancer stricken, to the depressed. Whether I ever get to seminary, or to the ministry, or if I am just a business owner, or if I am just me, a husband and father…one Christian dad…I know he is in control. He is refining me in the fires to sanctify me. Perhaps he is molding me to just be…me, but a more Christlike me. In the end I know that it is for his glory, and my benefit. I just wish it wasn’t so painful.
I will pray for the strength to actually be weak. To let go of the weighty things I am trying so desperately to carry. I know the Lord is Good. I know it full well.
Maybe you can get something out of this post. Maybe not.
It is well after 1am and we are to be present before the Lord tomorrow. So I am shutting this down. Good night.
For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold
from those who walk uprightly.
O Lord of hosts,
blessed is the one who trusts in you!
