Sleepless Nights and My Dad

While going through chemo, and in the time after, I enjoyed blogging. It was nice to be able to express myself in a way that I enjoy. It helped, too, that I felt like I was helping raise awareness while showing what the  journey was like, and that God was near.

Now.

When I blog about my depression or anxiety or panic attacks, it feels like I am whining.  Or that I am just venting.  That I am not helpful at all.  But I suppose I will keep on keeping on, for now.

Let’s go.

I am a sleep deprived klutz.

One day this week, after enjoying about 3 hours of staggered sleep, I tripped 6 times at a single job.  Just on my own feet, by misjudging steps or not lifting my feet high enough. Etc. etc.

I didn’t go on the roof that day.  I stayed far away.

I let Will, my employee, handle all the roof duties.

The previous night I had awoken at 2:37 am in a panic, with my heart racing I jumped out of bed and ran to the kitchen.

Something was wrong, I had forgotten something important!  Or so my body was telling me.

I needed to do something RIGHT NOW!!! Or so my mind thought.

ALARM BELLS!  no…

ONE OF THE KIDS… uh no

I know that I am going to…wait.

No.

There is nothing.

Nothing is wrong, except with my stupid brain.  Back to bed, but after an adrenaline rush its almost impossible to go back to sleep.  And my mind would not stop racing…searching the files for something I had forgotten…there must be something.

Panic attacks.  Suck.  This is something totally new to me.

6 of the past 7 nights I had one.  Last night I didn’t.  I bet I probably had a panic attack, but I was so exhausted that I slept through it.

I had coffee with a good friend and he asked if I had any traumatic events on the day it started in the past. The day it started?  So I thought about it.

Wait.

That day my attacks started…It was my dads birthday…and he died of cancer.

Well that was weird.  I hadn’t even given thought to my dads birthday.  He has been with the Lord for over 15 years.

I don’t doubt that had something to do with it, but they are still happening.  Almost 2 weeks post.

Time to get honest with myself.

Why am I having panic attacks?  Why am I dealing with depression and anxiety? Ok before I go on, I know that there are medical reasons, and I will continue to seek medical help…and I know that the body and mind are connected.  I mean God created us that way.

To quote fitness guru Bill Phillips:

Food is the most widely abuse anti-anxiety drug…and I have turned to comfort foods since cancer.  Though Chemotherapy may have ravaged my body, basically they poisoned me to the point of death and brought me back, I still had a choice and I chose to consume a lot of garbage over the past year and half.

And exercise is the most under utilized antidepressant.

Last time exercise definitely made a difference.

Back in September I went for a few runs.  It was very disappointing.  I managed to run about 2km before I thought my heart would explode and my lungs implode.  I couldn’t do very many push ups… and pull ups?  Forget it. Not a chance. So I gave up.

Rather than even trying, I gave up, because I wasn’t as good as I once was.

And you know what?  I don’t even care.  Right now I have no motivation.  That is the depression.  My employee took a picture of me while cleaning a roof and all I see is an out of shape 40 year old…

It hurts.  And this work is painful when you are out of shape.

But I don’t care.  Wait,  no I do care.  But I have no motivation to change it.

Well, actually I do.

OK….I don’t know.  Maybe I will just try to go for a run once a week.

Sigh.  Ok that brings me to the main point of this post.  Back in January, I wrote a post entitled Stop Spending Time With Jesus,

In it I state,

“It has been a long time since I spent much time on God, or Jesus, or the Word, or anything of eternal value really. I rarely open my Bible, because between family and running a business, and other time consuming things… like Facebook…cough… I just have not had the time to spend on these types of things.”

And to be honest, it has been a neglected part of my life since that time…I mean I pray with family, and read with them.  But I have been neglecting my own relationship with the Lord.

Why?

I don’t know.

The Lord says to cast all my anxieties on him, yet how am I to do that if I am not with him daily, listening to him speak in the Word, and taking this, my big burden, and giving it to him?

Well. To be blunt… I can’t.

Now I am not saying that I will be magically cured if I discipline myself in investing daily in our relationship….but it surely cannot hurt!

We are mind, body, spirit.  I don’t understand how they are all connected, but they are.

I am struggling to join this all to together.  To find a way to end it.

I suppose since cancer, I have had to face my mortality.  My dad died from cancer. On his birthday I started having panic attacks.  I am currently considered free of cancer, but over the past 18 months while recovering from the effects of chemo, my body and mind have deteriorated, and I let go of the most important relationship in my life….

I have been doing my devotions, and I am looking forward to church tomorrow.

Psalm 16

A miktam of David.