As Depression Stalks
Something stalks me.
Something dark.
Something relentless.
As depression stalks, I lose hope. Maybe blogging about it will help.
Depression
3 years ago, I was diagnosed with major depression. I blogged my way through it, as I received counselling, put myself under the scrutiny of my elder and pastor, changed my diet, started exercises, and focused on gratitude and Jesus…eventually the depression shrank and went away. I kept her at bay, locked in her room, with prayer, exercise and diet.
But then cancer happened. While God was near through that experience, and my spiritual life was good, it destroyed my body. I lost a lot of muscle mass and gave into comfort foods.
Anxiety
A year ago, I was diagnosed with a new mental health problem…Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was prescribed medication, and after a few months I was better, so I weened myself off the medication because I did not like the side effects. I was good, and the anxiety was in check.
Then, in late fall, I noticed the depression stalking me again. I thought it was locked away in that room, safely locked up. Who let her out!? I refused to acknowledge it. I pretended it was not there. Maybe if I ignored it would go away. Maybe if I did what Paul suggested in Philippians 4:8 it would go away:
“ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things”
I tried, but it kept following me.
My thoughts kept getting darker.
I had assumed it was situational. I assumed it was due to the weather turning (I also struggle with SAD) and the fact that I was not working much. By Christmas, the depression had taken hold. The familiar black cloud had formed in my mind, and everything was terrible again. I had thought it would get better now that work is picking up, and the fact that we spent 10 days in the Caribbean should have reversed the effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Yet here I am.
Depressed and anxious.
After a couple weeks of sunshine. After booking work for a solid week. After having over 20 quotes out for work. After knowing and seeing the goodness of the Lord in his providence provide for us time after time after time.
Panic Attacks
And to make matters worse, I am experiencing panic attacks.
Every night.
Every single night for the past week, I awake in the middle of the night with a start, heart pounding, adrenalin coursing through my veins…I have a panicked fear that I am missing something, or that I have made some massive mistake that will end the world. There is no rationale to it. I even had an attack while writing this article. There is nothing wrong, no reason for my alarm bells in my body, yet my mind races, my heart pounds and sleep escapes me.
My bed is no longer my friend…I no longer enjoy sleep. I know that after a few hours I will awake with fear and dark thoughts.
I grow tired.
I grow weary.
I cannot see the Lord. I know he is there.
I fear for my salvation. I dwell on my past sins, and struggle with ongoing sins. The accuser must be loving this.
People
As my depression grows, I draw into myself. When I am depressed I draw away from friends and family. In part this is due to my introversion. But when life is hopeless, I don’t want to bring you down. I fear that you will judge me. I fear that I will hear cliched things like,
You should try to smile more.
Just calm down.
Read a psalm.
Pray.
You should go for a walk…
Don’t dwell on bad things…
You should read this or that…
Yet I love people, it is such a contrast that even I can see it. I go from being involved, from being outgoing and friendly to simply being gone. Just gone. When I go to church, I escape right away without talking to people. If I even go. Maybe I have social anxiety as well. I don’t know. I know I need people and prayer and support, but I don’t want to put you out and I dont want to hear those cliched responses.
As I pull away from friends and family and church, I know that is the wrong thing to do. I know that I need you. I know that I need fellowship, I need hugs and coffee and prayer and love.
But I can’t.
Just.
Can’t.
Longing
I long for the time when I was going through chemotherapy – not for chemo itself, but I long for when the Lord Jesus was close, and his presence was near, and I felt comfort and hope for the future.
But now…nothing. Except hopelessness. Except irrational dark thoughts and panic. Except doubting my salvation.
Psalm 88 is my life right now. Darkness. Hopelessness. I cannot see the light.
Tomorrow I will put on a smile. My clients won’t know I am depressed, they won’t know I am anxious (unless they read this I suppose), they will see an outgoing seemingly happy business owner loving life.
It is odd how I can smile, but I can’t get this under control. If it goes on, I fear that I won’t be able to even get of bed. I need to do something. I need to get this under control. I know what to do, but I don’t have the motivation to do it.
As depression stalks, I suppose I will read God’s Word and pray. That’s a good place to start.
I will try to blog my way through this dark valley. I appreciate your prayers.
Thanks for reading.
Psalm 42:
1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
3 My tears have been my food
day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
among the festive throng.
5 Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
6 My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
8 By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me—
a prayer to the God of my life.
9 I say to God my Rock,
“Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?”
10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
“Where is your God?”
