Something has been bothering me
Something has been bothering me. What is that? Well for instance this…Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us…before I go any further in this article I want to say that this is purely for my own benefit. I have been trying to prayerfully work something out in my own feeble soul and mind and I think I have come to a resolution. If, however, you somehow gain a pearl of wisdom from this post, then I thank God for using it in that regard.
Something has been bothering me. I have been hurt by people that I was once close to. I am sure that I have also hurt them and others. The hurt runs so deep in my soul; backbiting, slander, conjecture, and outright lies were aimed at me by loved ones. I was angry. I went and sought out a way to hurt these people back. It may sound odd, but after seeking a way to hurt, I prayed. Let me be clear that this was a few years ago, just after I had been called back to repentance.
I cannot go into details as I do not want to hurt anyone. Suffice it to say, I wanted vengeance. Rage filled my soul, and I wanted to see this person suffer. Yes…calm, level headed me…I was filled with rage, malice, and hatred. I tried to forgive, I tried, and really I did. This person never asked for forgiveness, but I knew that I had to forgive them. I wrote myself a letter with all the hurt and anger that this person caused me over the years, and I forgave this person for each point and “released” myself from it. But that did not work for long. I tried with everything in me, but it was beyond my ability to forgive. Each time, I soon fell back into bitterness and hatred. I hated my sin, I could not shake it! It was all consuming. I lost sleep over it; it became pervasive in my entire life. There is truth in the old saying, “Holding onto bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.” It soon became clear that I had to rely on the strength that Christ provides in order to forgive, in so doing I was able to finally forgive.
Now, to be sure, there is a difference between forgiveness and trust, or forgiveness and respect, or even forgiveness and friendship. I don’t want to imply that through my forgiveness that everything is over and that life can just go on as if nothing had ever happened. What happened to me was a real assault, a real indignity, and a real relationship hurt; and it doesn’t go away simply by my forgiving this person. Forgiveness simply means that I do not hold this person’s sin against them or condemn them for it anymore. I let that go. Why? Because Christ has loved me and forgiven me, I will forgive them. And you know what? I have forgiven them! It is a wonderful thing to be able to forgive someone.
But …
Recently, after a couple years, the feelings have resurfaced…no, not the hatred or malice…but the feelings that I must approach this person and others who have hurt me and those I have hurt. Why has this occurred? Well, I think that with spiritual maturing, comes spiritual maturity…and sometimes we have to face things we don’t want to face as we mature. Some would say to leave well enough alone! Some would tell me that I am being silly (or stupid, or worse)…but is that is what God wants? To leave well enough alone? I hardly think so…*sigh* It hurts in my fallen nature to say this, to actually have to face what I have to face…let’s read Matthew 5: 23,24
Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
Jesus tells us here that if I remember that someone has something against me because I have wronged them, then try to be reconciled.” I am to humble myself. I am to reach out with the love of Christ. Reach out…again *sigh*
I guess we should clarify here that first that we are only responsible for what others hold against us when it is due to real sin against them on our part. Second, we are responsible to pursue reconciliation, but we are not responsible to make reconciliation happen.
Paul tells us in Romans,
“If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”
So far as it depends on you. So far as it depends on me. So…I am going to do whatever I can do to pursue reconciliation with all my brothers and sisters in Christ. “Leave well enough alone!” my brain keeps telling me. But the Bible keeps telling me, First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. How, can I, even if I have forgiven, come before God with my gift (worship, prayer, tithe, this blog etc.) if I have not pursued reconciliation?
I keep telling myself, “I was not wrong, they were!” However, the questions I have been asking myself lately, in light of the verse above, are:
- If someone has something against me, is it because of something I should not have done? Is it because I should have done, but didn’t? Have I wronged this person?
- So, if I am to blame, have I taken sufficient steps to be reconciled?
- If not to blame, am I willing to humble myself and make the contact before I bring my next gift before the Lord?
At the end of the day, as a Christian, I am to pursue reconciliation. And that hurts. As a fallen man I want to just leave well enough alone…but…I can’t.
After much prayer I have made a resolution to be reconciled to those people who I have felt bitterness, hatred, and malice toward. Those people whom I have sinned against, I will pursue reconciliation with. If I approach you, or call you, and ask you to forgive me, and you had no idea…please just go with it. J If you did know, and were hurt, well that is what I am coming to you for. If I do not approach you, then I was unaware that I hurt you, and I ask that you would pursue reconciliation with me. So please do not be surprised when I walk up to you, or call you sometime in the next week.
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. Truly, I say to you, you will never get out until you have paid the last penny.
