Am I just stepping on toes or am I wrong? If I am wrong I want to know…
“…We are called within the church to watch out for the well being of one another. Elders have the duty to keep watch over the souls of those in their care (Hebrews 13:17). The problem is that many use these words to suggest that this is only the duty of elders. Matthew 18 clearly reveals that we all have a duty to watch over the souls of our brothers and sisters. I don’t think Matt. 18 functions as well in the church as it should. It would make the work of the elders so much easier. Instead people tend to put the pressure on the elders to do all this work and then they can easily criticize when they do not act as quickly as they think they should.As to the different reasons you summarize [in my blog post] for being against such a practice, I would suggest they are just excuses. Some of the ideas are interesting. I like the one comparing it to a roman catholic confession. The problem with the roman catholic confession is not that people confess their sin to the priest, but the fact that they made it into a sacrament. One who has been caught in sin is certainly called to make confession publicly, not necessarily before the whole congregation but they must acknowledge it to their brothers and sisters. Sins done in secret are dealt with differently since they are not public but there certainly needs to be confession to the person sinned against and it is not unbiblical to confess it to others as well.Why did you receive such a reaction? I think to a large part it is because “accountability partner” is not a biblical word and therefore people react to it with mistrust. The strength of the reformed church is that people want to remain true to the bible, but the result sometimes is that when they hear language that they do not hear in the bible they become uncomfortable (even if the idea is biblical). On the other hand, people from more evangelical background don’t have that kind of radar so they are accepting of anything that sounds good to them. There the danger is that unbiblical concepts easily take hold.”
After receiving this comment from a pastor, I invited a number of people to join with me in learning the value of accountability between members of the body, of being one in the body of Christ – a hand and foot to each other, of learning from and with each other, of supporting and encouraging each other as brothers in the faith. And again I received the same negative responses. (Although this time it was not just emails, but in person and on the phone) “My wife is my accountability partner”, or “I don’t think we should do that.” or “I am only accountable to God.”…etc. So let me humbly admit this. I think I am using the wrong terminology. I have drafted a letter to the consistory(elders) of my church regarding what this “hubbub” is all about. Here is an excerpt from it.
…As you are aware, since you yourselves are all husbands and fathers, we have a remarkable responsibility. We are stewards of our families before God. If we, in our calling as the heads of our homes, are not good leaders but instead prove that we are weak, selfish, negligent and incompetent then both the family and the church will greatly suffer. Our church needs our men to step up and be the fathers and husbands that we are called to be, especially my generation of 30-somethings and the next group of younger people. In order to be the future leaders of the church, we need to be the current leaders of our families. We need men who are determined to lead their families as God intends, imitating the love and headship of Jesus Christ, regardless of the so-called “consequences” in this life. We need men who will pray for their overseers, and seek to be accountable to them. We need men who will pray for the faith of their brothers and sisters in the congregation, constantly appealing to, and relying on the blood of Christ. We need to be accountable to each other and mentor each other in the word…
My motivation for this idea of accountability and mentorship is threefold. First, it stems from a desire to see the congregation more involved in fellowship as the body of Christ. Secondly, I desire to see the men, particularly the husbands and fathers, be the leaders they are called to be. And thirdly from the Langely CanRC’s use of the Stephen Ministries program. Where they train “mentors” to encourage and support each other through life’s challenges according to scripture…
My desire is to see the congregation getting to know each other better, developing our gifts to God’s glory and to each other’s benefit, exhorting and encouraging each other in prayer especially in regard to accountability in spiritual growth – in short I desire to see us “Living for God [our congregations theme for the year.]”
Ryan, I admire your courage in this issue. I am a woman, so my remarks are not really what you are looking for. But I find it extremely telling that men are saying “no” to your call for accountability, and women are saying “yes”. Does that not indicate something significant going on behind closed doors? That this call for accountability is a poke at a bear?
Thank you for your comment, your remarks are always appreciated. I am not going to assume anything about what is going on behind closed doors, all i can say is that i know what kind of leader I was in my own home back when I was living a selfish, sinful life with no accountability. We shall see what comes of poking the bear! 🙂
Hi Ryan, I’ve been thinking about this issue as well, not necessarily in regards to pornography, but in regards to parenting. I know, for myself, I have blind spots as a parent towards my children: “little” sins that I let go, habits that are teaching my kids what my priorities are, reactive instead of proactive parenting, that sort of thing. And I think many parents have blind spots. There are times I can see where a parent struggles, and can think of BIblical advice but don’t dare bring anything up, because of the reaction I expect. And for me, I know there are many times I wish people would talk to me about my shortcomings, but at the same time, I can feel defensiveness rising up in me if I think about what people could and would say. I was recently talking about this with a friend, and she said two things that struck me. One, if we as fellow believers can’t talk about this to our brothers and sisters, then who will? and two, it takes maturity to listen to someones reproof and actually evaluate and integrate it into your life. Such a difficult concept, but one that is integral to the church.
Hi Brenda, Thanks for the comment. I initially focused on sexual sin, including pornography, as that is a sin that a lot of men struggle with. However I think the issue is deeper than just a struggle with sexual purity, I think it is a faith issue. And it includes those small sins, the so-called respectable sins. And the bible teaches us that looking the other way when a brother sins is in itself a sin. Your friend asked, “if we as fellow believers can’t talk about this to our brothers and sisters, then who will?” Sadly, the world will. In this day and age we are taught 6 days a week to be islands unto ourselves, to be individuals, to do what feels good, to do what is right “for us” or “our family”, to tolerate evil, to look the other way…then on Sunday we are taught to be a body, to build each other up in the faith. So 6 days we are indoctrinated in the school of the world and we desperately need to protect against that, and that is where accountability to our brothers and sisters comes in. We need to reassess what is important to us as the body of Christ and I believe we need to join together and support each in the strength that Christ provides. This also includes things like making use of the business’ that our brothers and sisters run, building up practically as well as spiritually. I was an for far island too long, my family was an island for far too long. Your friend is right it takes maturity of faith, and courage and a willingness to listen, to be mentored in the faith.
Fearless of all consequences, you must do the right thing. You will need the courage of a lion unhesitatingly to pursue a course which shall turn your best friend into your fiercest foe; but for the love of Jesus you must thus be courageous. For the truth’s sake, to hazard reputation and affection is such a deed that to do it constantly you will need a degree of moral principle which only the Spirit of God can work in you; yet turn not your back like a coward, but play the man. Follow right manfully in your Mater’s steps, for He has traversed this rough way before you.
Wow, that is quite poetic, and powerful. Thank you for the encouragement!
The Belgic Confession states concerning the true church: “We believe, since this holy assembly and congregation is the assembly of the redeemed and there is no salvation outside of it, that no one ought to withdraw from it, content to be by himself, no matter what his status or standing may be. But all and everyone are obliged to join it and unite with it, maintaining the unity of the church. They must submit themselves to its instruction and discipline, bend their necks under the yoke of Jesus Christ, and serve the edification of the brothers and sisters, according to the talents which God has given them as members of the same body.”
Continue to serve the edification of the brothers and sisters, according to the talents which God has given.
Thanks Jim, I will! Thanks for the encouragement.
ac·count·a·ble/əˈkountəbəl/
Adjective:
1.(of a person, organization, or institution) Required or expected to justify actions
or decisions; responsible.
2.Explicable; understandable.
I think you may have taken my response the wrong way.
As i stated in my first responce “..I am not saying that having another person to talk to is a bad thing,
but that person should never know more about you than your wife.”
Having another person to talk to about a persons shortcomings can be very usefull
but what is revealed to another person should be tempered by the desire to make your own life better.
and not by a desire to keep things from your spouse.
In this life on earth, a married person does not have to justify their personal actions or decisions to anyone
other than God and thier spouse. (see above definition)
Talking to people about the struggles you are having in life can provide a different perspective
on the issues you are facing. But to make someone responsible for you, other than a spouse, may not
be a good thing.
What you are trying to get done in your church / life is not a bad thing Ryan. But, change is scary
and when a new idea is presented to a group of people that have a tradition of being rather introspective
it may be hard to implement the type of group you want to. Do not let anyone tell you
not to do this thing. The people who are telling you that it is a bad thing may just be scared of new ideas.
Keep trying to get this group going. In our church the roll of our small groups fills the needs of having to
talk to someone else (other than your spouse) about the issues we are having in our lives.
In our small groups every one can talk about everything. there is no judgement only compassion and prayers.
So keep up the worlk that you are doing it is not a bad thing but maybe the choice of the word ‘accountability’
should be changed? Not entirely sure but that may be the cause of some of the negativity.
p.s. Roast Ryan would taste pretty bad , you ain’t grain fed.
Hi Colin,
I think that My problem was/is purely semantics. Maybe i should alter my focus a bit. I am not saying that we are accountable to the men, but to seek encouragement and support, mentoring and training, and so forth. By holding yourself accountable to another, you are just increasing your network.
Thanks for the clarification and the encouragement.
Hey Ryan
If the hand says I am not an eye I am therefore not part of the body, does that make either part less a member of the same body? of course not! From what I gather as to what you are doing is to try and encourage each other to be a hand and foot to each other. I know that I want my foot to work along with my knee, and hip and arm and head and eye otherwise I am not going to get anywhere am I? Some may be afraid of something new but helping each other and encouraging other is not a new thing. As you mentioned accountability is a biblical thing so it is not really new is it? Stand fast to what you believe is biblical until someone can show you from scripture you are wrong.
Is the resistance a matter of pride? that would be my guess, perhaps you should start with a course/study on the sin of pride and the blessing of being meek and humble to prepare the way for your goal. Just a thought.
Above all seek the LORD in prayer and he will guide your steps in this also.
You always know what to say G. Thanks for the encouraging words. By the way, from our few little conversations I do think you are already equipped.