Accountability, Pornography and Sexual Detox – part II
There have been a few changes to this post. I have received a vote of confidence from a number people whose opinions I respect, including pastors. Therefore I am reposting this blog! 🙂 Here is a quote from one of my respondents for you to start:
If a man is married, accountability first starts with his wife, because if a man can lie to his wife, then he can lie to his accountability partner. So, your accountability starts with having a proper relationship of trust and honesty with your wife.
Second, accountability is to your elders so that they know that you really do submit to their authority and that you are accountable to them.
Third, it is very important for men to cultivate special relationships, so called accountability partners, where they can talk about the deep heart issues that they are struggling with and their temptation issues they are wrestling with.
Men need to develop and maintain a network of accountability because very often, sins can slip through one layer of accountability and get caught by others, and we need that. We need to hem ourselves in so that we get caught quickly and easily, so I believe in a multi-faceted network of accountability, which includes your spouse, your overseers and special close relationships – accountability partners.
The abbotsford Church website states:
Christ calls Christian believers together into congregations. Within these congregations, believers live together as fellow members of Christ’s body. As members of the church, they make themselves accountable to each other and to the elders of the congregation. They rely on each other for encouragement and exhortation. Every believer is duty bound to use his or her talents and gifts in a loving way for building up the rest of the membership.
Accountability, Pornography and Sexual Detox. I knew that title would grab your attention. Do you have an accountability partner? I do. It shouldn’t come as a shock to you, but your pastors, your elders, your deacons, the ushers, that quiet guy in the pew, and this blogger all struggle against the same sins and temptations that are common to all men. I can’t help but thank God for the blessing I have in my accountability partner. If you have one, you know what I am talking about. My accountability partner is a Christian brother who I meet with to hold each other accountable in the context of James 5:16.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other, so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective … My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins” James 5:16,19
With an accountability partner you move past the ordinary, everyday conversations. Sure we talk about regular stuff like hockey, work, the kids, and the weather – but not when we meet for the purpose of accountability. At that time we talk about where we have failed and where have succeeded since our last meeting. We encourage and exhort each other, pray with each other and keep each other accountable. We hold each other accountable for everything from our prayer life and Bible study to our stewardship and involvement in the church; from sin against the 1st commandment to sin against 10th; from our relationships with our wives and children, to our relationship with God. When we meet together we ask each other the difficult questions, and have to give even harder answers (sometimes). We know the intimate details of each other’s sins and shortcomings and we encourage, exhort, and admonish each other in our walks with Christ. Do you have someone who you confide in? Someone who can help you in the context of James 5:16? I thank God for my accountability partner, through whom He helps to keep me on the straight and narrow path. My accountability partner has encouraged me to build stronger and healthier relationships with my wife and kids, and with my God. My accountability partner is being used by God in my life. I encourage you all to seek an accountability partner or find an accountability group.
If you do not have an accountability partner and would like one, talk with your closest friends and see if anyone would be willing to be yours. It is no small commitment to be sure. For the members of my church who are looking for an accountability partner, I will be starting an accountability group. The point of the group is not to discuss the issue of accountability in a group setting, but to facilitate HOW to be effective accountability partners. Before partaking of an accountability partnership we must first prayerfully consider the “ramifications” of participating in accountability.
Before engaging in an accountability partnership you should:
- Seek to follow Christ in everything.
- Be willing to commit to daily personal and family devotions.
- Be willing to commit to meeting with your partner 1 evening per week for 30 minutes.
- Be willing to leave your comfort zone by openly admitting to your sins and temptations, and by praying together.
- Be able to keep a secret.
- Care about others.
- Not belittle others when they fail.
- Not be a gossip, backbiter or slanderer. Proverbs 20:19 says, “A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.” Proverbs 16:28 says, “a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends”
I will be opening invitation to anyone from my congregation who wishes to participate. Just don’t get too big please or I will have to get over my fear of speaking in front of larger groups, well on second thought I hope the whole congregation signs up wouldn’t that be something? I will be personally inviting a number of people as well. For the first few meetings we will get know each other better, pray together, discuss the importance of accountability in the life of a Christian, how to engage in an effective accountability partnership, and we will discuss the book Sexual Detox by Tim Challies. ( or another book – but I like this one 🙂 ) Read about the book here. http://www.challies.com/node/4640
Why did I choose this book? According to xxxchurch.com, 47% of Christian men say that pornography is a major problem in their home. That means that almost half of all Christian men admit that they have problem – how many don’t admit it? It has been estimated that anywhere from 60-80% of Christian men view pornography on a regular basis. Pornography isn’t just a sin. It doesn’t just make you feel guilty. It isn’t just an assault on your marriage. Pornography, according to the Bible, is “the very way to hell, descending to the chambers of death” Proverbs 7:21-27. I can hear you now, “This passage is just talking about real adultery, not pornography.” But what did Jesus say in the Sermon on the Mount “anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” This is the Word of God, warning us to steer clear from “the very way to Hell,” and the “chambers of death.”
To clarify, sexual purity will not be the only focus of the group, but I thought it would be a good starting point. If you are interested in this group or would like more information please let me know via private email message.
This group is no longer only for men. Because in groups there can be difficulty in maintaining openness and accountability for fear of sins being made public. The group will be focused on facilitating accountability partnerships, and will encourage each group member to make use of their accountability partners.
Even if you do not join this group, I encourage everyone to prayerfully seek out an accountability partner. You will find it to be a very rich blessing to your life.
Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up.
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
EXCELLENT. All the best in your endeavours. I fully support your efforts. (and I know my hubby would too!)
Thanks Nicole. I appreciate the support.
Well done, Christian Dad for re-posting this article. This needs to be said.
The qualities of self-denial and self-control are considered to be old fashioned these days, yet they make for a godly people. The world considers this type of man to be up-tight and buttoned-down, but the Lord obviously values those qualities in a man, as they are prerequisite to holding office in the church.
I believe all young men ought to be mentored (preferably by their fathers) to teach them self-denial and self-control. This would change them from being a self-absorbed youngster into young men equipped to lead their own wife and family.
Too often young men learn too late — and some don’t ever learn. Thus the need for accountability partners.
Thank you for your comment and support. I learned about it late – thankfully it was not too late in my case. In my view it looks like the world is invading the church. The worldy view of individualism is slowly working into the church, and we can see it in the way people refuse Christian discipline, the way some people/families are islands and are not involved, the way people want to do things “my way”. Hardly anyone wants accountability anymore and excuses are made, like I am only accountable to my wife, or to the priest, or its just between my God and me…No its not. We are a body we are all one in Christ and we are ALL accountable to each other and we must use our gifts to the benefit of our brothers and sisters. Imagine if we all prayed together, admonished, exhorted, encouraged each other, and were involved with each other, and cared. Imagine if there was no slander, no gossip…I know it is idealistic, but we should strive for it.